Ask the Oracle: Could having more than one child be causing my husbands mood swings?

Due to the nature of this Ask the Oracle post the dilemma will remain an anonymous one.

On the request of the person involved I've also asked a male friend to provide a fathers perspective on the matter. Of course any other opinions \ solutions are more than welcome.

The dilemma:

Having two kids is obviously harder in a way because there are two kids needing help and attention in the house.  It's the juggle of bed times, extra tidying, washing etc.  But for me I've found the advantages balance out the problems so I have never really thought about how it would affect my husband.  It's not that I don't get stressed; I do, but I get over it much more quickly than he does.

Things have been very tricky in my marriage for the last couple of years.  I've been racking my brain trying to work out why my husband was so much more stressed, grumpy and aggressive.  I thought it could have been because I had a health scare and was unwell for a while, and I also suspected that he had an affair.  Many thought it was the stress of his job, but due to changes in that I'm pretty sure that was just a red herring.

This week I had a 'light bulb' moment and wanted to know how many other Mums/Dads had experienced the same thing.

Could it be because we had the second child?  

I am in NO WAY suggesting that it is the child's fault at all by the way.  And it's not the more obvious situation where a Dad says they don't want any more children, but the wife falls pregnant anyway.

I'm wondering is it purely because he doesn't have enough patience for two, or the necessary ability to be consistently present; because the moment you take your eye of the ball one of them will have done something.

Plus the fact that I really don't have the energy for 3 children, so I do need him to take care of himself more.  It's not that I don't care for him, but my kids are young, so I would admit that they come first (and no before you think it, that doesn't mean I'm refusing to have sex with him!).

I'd love to know if other Mums have found their husbands struggled after a second?  

Or did they themselves feel that two was a mistake afterwards?

Any Dads out there who could give their perspective would be a great help?

My response:

My husband is an only child and so is not used to the chaos that multiple children bring so I can sympathise with you (as I'm sure he could with your husband!). I certainly think that things get tougher as more children come along and there is less of 'you' left to go around. However I wouldn't jump to any conclusions that that is the answer and indeed if it is then it should be something that he can learn to cope with and come to enjoy. I also don't think it's as simple as men finding it harder than women to cope with bigger families - it all depends on the personalities involved.  

My initial thought on reading this was that perhaps there is something deeper going on than the 'chaotic family life' issue. Only you and your husband will know how serious the issue is but I would recommend going through some sort of testing \ consultancy to see if he could possibly be depressed. The stress \ aggression \ grumpiness you mention are often ways in which depression manifests itself. Of course I am in no way qualified to make such suggestions which is why, if things really are bad, I would recommend seeing a professional to talk things over with. 

A male perspective:

Dear X,

I am replying to you anonymously because I'm a bit embarrassed about what I'm about to say, but here goes. I am a father of two children, separated by two years, so I can relate to what you're saying, but from the other perspective. When our first child (a girl) was born, it felt like the most amazing experience ever and it brought my wife and I closer together than ever. Having our daughter felt like the reason we'd been put on the planet and when he was a year old we both decided to have another. What I didn't tell my wife was that I was secretly hoping for son, so when our second daughter arrived I'm ashamed to say I felt disappointed. I didn't tell my wife (I'm not that stupid) ut I did start to withdraw into myself. I felt like all the novelty of having our first had worn off and having baby in the house - with all the demands that come with that - was just overwhelming. The noise! The mess! The stress! I found myself dreading 5 o'clock when it was time to go home from work, so instead joined colleagues for a quick drink or two on the way home. 

At first my wife hardly noticed I'd gone. She was so absorbed with bringing up the babies that I felt like I'd become an after-thought. This in turn became an excuse/reason for me to stay out later and later, on the basis that she didn't miss me anyway, so I might as well be in the pub rather than at home. But of course she DID notice, and when I'd roll in at 10-ish, she'd give me a hard time about where I'd been and who I'd been with and that she'd been at home all day struggling with two babies. And do you know what I did? I shrugged and went to bed. One time I muttered, 'Then we shouldn't have had a second kid then, should we?' but I don't think she heard me, otherwise I doubt I'd be here to tell the tale. 

Anyway, all these rows made me dread going home even more and - I'm sorry to sound like a cliche here - I started getting close to one of my female colleagues. I didn't quite go as far as as 'my wife doesn't understand me' but it was pretty close to that. We had a fling - if you can call it that - a few snogs, no sex, nothing more than that. But my wife found out (to this day I have no idea how) but in a way it was the best thing to happen to us. I suddenly realised I could lose everything so we started to talk, and talk, and talk, about our feelings, how our roles had changed (from lovers, to parents) and where we would go from here. I told her quite honestly that I wished I'd had a son, so she suggested we try for another. That made me realise I didn't really want a son - I wanted my wife back. I wanted some of the fun and freedom we used to have before we had kids.

That was a few years ago now and I couldn't be prouder of being the dad to two gorgeous girls. When I look back I think I could have lost it all because of my selfishness. 

How does this help you? I don't really know (though I do feel quite relieved to get it off my chest after so long) but perhaps your other half is feeling overwhelmed by second child syndrome. Perhaps he does feel trapped by the situation, or excluded from your life, or resentful of how his life has turned out, or overwhelmed by the sheer stress of the relentlessness of having a couple of kids. But then again, perhaps he's not. Perhaps it's something completely different. But the only way you're going to find out is by talking to him. Tell him how important he is to you, how much you love him, but how you feel you're both drifting in the relationship and you need to do something about it before it becomes critical. I know it's difficult with having such young babies around, but is there any way you could get a babysitter and arrange a 'date night' in a restaurant with a bottle of wine? Whatever happens and whatever you do, best of luck with it. 

 So that's all the advice on offer from this posts perspective - but I suspect others will have thoughts \ ideas too. Please feel free to leave them in the comments. I guess the bottom line is that you need to talk - to each other and possibly to a professional. I really wish you every luck in coming to a solution that works for both of you. 

Listography - Top 5 things about the Summer Holidays

Guess who's back, back again.
Guess who's back, tell your friends
Guess who's back, guess who's back? 
Guess who's back, guess who's back? 
Guess who's back, guess who's back? 
Guess who's back? 


*pushes Eminem off the mic*


Yep - after a little too long Listography is back on the radar. Try to contain your excitement people.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By now we should be well and truly ensconced in the school holidays and hopefully the fear and apprehension of how we would cope has passed and we have started to enjoy the new routine.

I, for one, love the school holiday. Not being the most organised person in the world I love not having a timetable to adhere to (or rather try and miserably fail to adhere to). But whether you're a lover like me, or a hater who needs some help seeing the positives - this month's Listography is for you.

So, without further ado - my Top 5 things about the School Holidays are....

1. Pyjama mornings that only end when you need to go out and buy bread at 3pm.

2. Seeing a rare clear blue sky and bundling all the kids in the car for an impromptu day trip.

3. Lazy walks to the beach \ shops \ play park just to fill up the day.

4. Not having to get everyone into and out of the car for school runs at 8.30, 12.30, 1.30 and 2.30 (it's a bitch).

5. No daily school uniform treasure hunts that end in tears and tantrums  - and that's just me.

I could easily double this list - but I'm sure you guys will do the job better than me. If you'd like to take part simply write your post on your own blog and then come back here to link it up below so that others can find you. Don't forget to take a moment to pop over to some of the others too.

Want to know more about Listography - here you go.

Now quit moaning and start counting your blessings :)

A Sponsored Video - with Domestos & Unicef. (But it's a beauty!)

This is a sponsored post\video however the video clip and message behind it are well worth a look so please don't let that put you off! 

The other week I got sent this beautiful little video and really wanted to share it with you.

It's produced by Domestos as part of their partnership with UNICEF who are currently running a programme called CATS (Community Approach to Total Sanitation), which basically promotes good hygiene practices and raises awareness of sanitation issues.



Unbelievably an estimated 37% of the global population do not have access to improved sanitation. That's two-fifths of the entire population.

This video is part of the Domestos\UNICEF campaign that hopes not only to raise awareness of the issues surrounding improved sanitation, but also to make money for improving access to basic sanitation for hundreds of thousands of people in the developing world.

The real beauty of this promotion is that Domestos is contributing 5% of its average proceeds received from the sale of specially marked bottles of Domestos in select countries (including UK and Ireland)  to UNICEF’s CATS programmes in South Sudan and Vietnam where it is urgently needed. 


How can you help?


Well of course you can buy one of the specially marked bottles of Domestos, but you can also help simply by spreading the word. Here's how:


- adding a badge to your Twitter or Facebook. You can find the badges here.

- showing your support on Twibbon.

- tweeting with this hash tag: #domestos4unicef

- download the colouring book

 Pretty easy huh?

So whilst I wouldn't normally be one to promote household cleaning in any form (just ask my long suffering husband), I think I can make an exception this time :)

This is a sponsored post however all words and opinions are my own and I truly believe that big brands working with charity partners has a significant impact on really helping the people who need it most. 

What a difference a day makes.

Yesterday I was full of new beginnings.

New plans to be better, fitter, healthier, nicer person. Plans to get my house in order, be more organised, take time to smell the roses, reconnect with old friends, write that book, do my tax, stop spending so much time on the bloody laptop.

I was going to get the important things right in life and discard the other stuff.

A new me. A fresh start.

I was full of the post holiday can-do's. I was standing on a mountain top punching the air with 'eye of the tiger' playing in the background.

And then reality pushed me off the cliff.

Now I'm on day two of 'real life' and the last suitcase still hasn't been unpacked, the tenants washing machine needs replacing, I've made my way through 450 unread emails, the house looks like we've been burgled in our absence, and I know for a fact that no tax business will be done until the day after the deadline runs out.

I've come to the realisation that there's a reason that I didn't do any of those things before now.

The reason of course is me.

And I'm still here.

 (Albeit a little browner than before so, you know, it's not all bad...)

Happy Holidays

Fourteen sun-soaked days and fourteen wine inspired nights have passed and with them this year's family holiday. And it had been a longtime coming after last years rain soaked Welsh fiasco. 

Thankfully this holiday was everything that a holiday should be.

Eating paella at a beachside shack. 

Morning swims followed by fresh coffee.

Reading an unputdownable book in the shade of a palm tree.

Inflatable crocodiles gliding in the pool.

Overflowing bowls of fresh cherries and sweet melon.

Real coke in glass bottles.

A warm breeze on bare stomach.

Exploring unknown cobblestone streets.

Painting toenails by the pool.

Somersaults and learning to dive.

Cold beers in the hot sun.

Swimming under and over waterfalls. 

Time. To relax, reflect, recharge, reevaluate. 

Great company and plenty of helping hands. 

A big thanks to my wonderful in-laws for making it happen. 

 

Adios!

So I'm off on my jolliers.

Two whole weeks in sunny Spain with nothing more taxing to think about than 'will I have have a beer or a swim..'

But before I go I have to do a shout out to a lovely man I met last week at Hop Farm Festival.

This is Iggy. He's a designer and tailor and he makes the most amazing quality clothes (mostly for men) at Workhouse. Hats, bags, coats, jumpers - I could have taken one of everything away with me quite happily.

(For the record - this picture was taken two days into festival with no hair straighteners at my disposal so don't judge me. The rain showers really helped too).

Iggy's pop up shop at Hop Farm Festival:  

But it's hard work making this stuff - as you can see from the youtube clip below. And it's even harder promoting and making a living out of it.

So here's to Iggy and all the creative types out there who are forging their own path and putting two fingers up to the machine.

Meeting a hero and then getting the chance to help

Mobiles for Meals

Last week at Britmums I had the absolute pleasure of first listening to and then meeting the wonderful Camilla Batmanghelidj from Kids Company.

Camilla - Mobiles for Meals

For a long time I've admired the work she does - providing practical, emotional and educational support to vulnerable inner-city children - children that everyone else has either forgotten about or written off. 


And now I, and you, have the chance to help her - and it's so easy it's impossible not join in. Look who else has:

Katy Hill is among the celebrities supporting Mobiles for Meals

So what's it all about?

Today the first ever appeal to raise money to feed starving BRITISH kids is launched - as devastating new figures from Kids Company and Netmums reveal a million children are going hungry on British streets.

Some shocking statistics have been revealed, for example:

• 25 per cent of inner city schools said three quarters of all pupils are affected by lack of food
• Children from food insecure homes are now missing almost half their weekly meals
• On average, affected children eat just ten meals each week – 11 short of the 21 meals a week needed to stay healthy

Camila, Kids Company founder says, “We are seeing a lot more children struggling to get hold of food.  We have kids who were so starving they stole frozen meat from a flat they visited and they ate it raw.  We’re seeing effectively responsible parents who are just not managing to have food in the house."

“Children don’t have a public voice so they can’t tell us.  We have a collective responsibility to make sure every child has enough to eat. This is something as a society we can solve if we want to and change children’s future for the better.”

Amy an older child who has, with help from Kids Company, grown up to a better life, recalls her childhood:

 "I would wake up starving in the night but there would be no more food. When I went to people's houses their parents would make as much food as possible for me and more for me to take home. At my best friend's house I would fill up on dog biscuits in-between meals. I would wait at my garden fence and ask passers-by for sweets or food. I would even chip bits of brick off the wall and eat those."

So how can you and I help?

It's as simple as digging out an old mobile phone. Orange and T-Mobile are accepting any of your old handsets at 720 stores around UK or you can send it by FREEPOST to their national recycling centre. 


Recycling a single mobile phone can provide a child with nutritious meals for a month.


All the information you need is on Netmums Mobiles for Meals page so please do pop over.

If you do not have an old mobile phone then write a post about Mobile for Meals, or share a link, RT a tweet - whatever you can to help spread the message and make this campaign count.