A goldfish woke me up

'If I get a new goldfish I'm going to call him Jesus' the four year old whispered in my ear at 6am.

'It might be a goldfish...or it might be a shark fish...but he will be called Jesus'.

Okaaay then.

There was no going back to sleep after that alarm call so I brought him downstairs and fed the actual fish that we do own. It was then that I noticed the puppy had pooed on the sitting room carpet. Cleaning up poo at any time of the day is not fun but before I've even had a coffee isn't really the way to get in my good books.

Then it was the cats turn - as I went to let her outside I saw that she had missed her litter tray and there was more shitty clearing up to do. Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross.

And whilst I was doing that - the puppy pissed on the kitchen floor.

And finally - to finish off my pre-dawn hell - as I went to pick up the cats water bowl I nearly put my hand on the big fat fucking slug that was hanging on the side of the dish.

So I think that getting Jesus Christ the goldfish would be a good idea - at least I will be able to let off some steam on those kind of mornings without the kids accusing me of being blasphemous.

Would you do this?

Amazing what we'll do for money isn't it?

You know that really annoying lottery advert where different people are telling us all the things they would do to for a million quid? Like dancing naked in the rain in front of your father in law or sticking your head in a cannon as it's about to be lit.

Well I had my very own taste of it today, although the recompense wasn't quite in line with a lottery win.

Today I agreed to appear in the National Press in - wait for it - NO MAKE-UP.

I know. Scary.

So here it is - not as bad as I expected, but I suspect the photographer took pity on me. Or the paper didn't want to scare away it's readers. Either way - I'll be waiting for that cheque now thank you very much.

I have some rather heavy foundation to purchase.

All they want for Christmas. . .

As many of you know my sister Siobhan set up Netmums a million years ago and has since then been helping to make the journey of motherhood a little easier for women all over the country.

Netmums also do a lot of charity work behind the scenes and one of the charities that Siobhan and I both have a great affiliation to are the wonderful Kids Company that is run by the fearless and larger than life figure of Camila Batmanghelidj.

Siobhan recently visited Camila at Kids Company and was shocked at what she saw. 

Camila and Siobhan at Kids Company

Here's what she had to say:

“I have been down to visit one of the Kids Company centres, where children from 4 upwards go, by themselves, before and after school and at weekends for food, company and advice.

They really don’t have anyone to look after them – their parents (usually just a mum) are unable to as they have issues like drink and/or drug addiction or mental illness.

I was shocked as I had assumed that in these cases social services would be involved but there are too many children and it seems if they are not being actually abused – “just” neglected, there aren’t enough resources. I was also shocked that Kids Company have to beg for money through charity to feed and cloth these children.

They try to give them a winter coat, pants and socks, and they can get a hot meal every day, but they need our help. Please do send a quid if you can – text KIDS GIFT to 70700 to make a £1 donation – I promise it will get straight to the kids who need it. And tell your friends. Thank you”

The stories that the children tell of what Christmas means to them are heartbreaking. Rose, 12 says -

'One Christmas, Dad completely destroyed our flat; chairs, plates, everything broken, even the unopened presents were trampled and smashed. I remember this bit because I had always wanted a whistle and I saw it through the wrapping paper all broken. We’re told Christmas should be about family and friends, happiness, love, good food, relaxing and presents. But to me it’s been alcohol, fighting and arguing. Kids Company Christmas brings me closer to my dream Christmas, a happy family, a lovely spread of food, no worries, people helping each other to cook, decorate and the feeling of being together”.

My heart just broke for that little girl. All she wanted was a whistle. Hearing stories like this stop you in your tracks and make you think about what Christmas is like for some less fortunate children, as opposed to your own. 

The good news is that with our help Rose and many, many others like her can be given a real Christmas. One to remember fondly, not with shame and sadness.

On Christmas day, children at Kids Company will enjoy hot food, individually wrapped presents, Santa’s Grotto, storytelling and games. Children can make hats and puppets, create a Christmas mural or join in fun activities such as football and a bouncy castle. Kids Company create all of this with the help of over 200 volunteers who work tirelessly to make a magical and unforgettable Christmas wonderland.

So how can you help give these most vulnerable of children the Christmas they deserve?

1. Join Netmums Merry Quidmas campaign by Texting KIDS GIFT to 70700 to make a £1 donation to help provide a gift for a vulnerable child.

2. Spread the word. Whether you tell your friends in person over a coffee, text them the number, share the message on Facebook, Tweet it or write your own post on it - every little action will help.

Surely they deserve that much for Christmas?

The perils of not listening to your child at homework time

'Porridge and gravy are the same thing right?' asks the 8 year old biting the end of her pen while I'm busily typing.

'What? Yes.' I say distracted, 'No! I mean no. Of course they're not the same thing'.

'Oh. Does it match with 'frighten' then?'

'No'

'Winner?'

'No'

'Honesty?'

'NO! Jeez come on, you should know they're not even close to the same thing.'

She puts down her pen pondering and goes through her list again.

'Are you sure it's not bravery?'

'Bravery? I didn't hear that one. But no, not bravery'.

'That's weird. I really thought courage and bravery were the same thing'

'Huh? What happened to porridge and gravy?'

Oh.

Don't tell mum

My sisters and I frequently conclude a tale or fact of dubious merits to each other with the line 'But don't tell Mum'.

It doesn't matter that we are all  in our 30's and 40's - mother's approval still counts.

It's not as if we're out dancing on tables and failing to come home (well not often), or ingesting various forms of narcotics and failing to remember our own name (well not often)...it's a far tamer than that.

Often it's to do with money.

'Do you like my new boots? They were a bit too expensive but I love them. €150. Yeah I know. Don't tell Mum.'

Or to do with being irresponsible perhaps...

'I know I should be wearing my glasses driving but I broke them five years ago, and anyway I never liked them. Don't tell Mum'

Or it may be that one of us has had some unorthodox anti-aging technique applied or some questionable waxing done. But whatever you do - don't tell Mum.

A big one is one of us taking on too much when she knows we are too busy as it is.

'I just bought a puppy. Yes I do know it's only 2 weeks until Christmas and I haven't got any shopping done yet. DO. NOT. TELL. MUM.'

But none of us would be that stupid now would we? Besides - we'd never get away with it.

Would I?

The Green Door Bookshop - Where all the best books live

Do you ever get confused choosing books for your little ones? Or would you like to buy books as presents for children you know but don't know where to start looking?

Well then The Green Door Bookshop is where you need to head to - and best of all it's just a click away.

Filled with the most gorgeous looking books you can imagine it manages to get you all excited over children's books all over again. I'm very pleased to report that it is the complete antithesis of Amazon.

We were lucky enough to be given three beautiful books by The Green Door Bookshop - one for each of the children.

Kaya who is 8 got the most beautiful version of Pippi Longstockings which has been given a makeover by Lauren Child of Charlie and Lola fame:

I just love this book. Currently available for £6.39 it is an absolute bargain.

Marley (6) was sent A Drove of bullocks, one of a series of ingenious books that teach your child (and you) what a collection of different animals are called. You probably already know 'a pride' of lions but how about 'an embarrassment' of pandas?! Or my favourite - 'a loveliness' of ladybirds. Very cleverly illustrated to help you remember, these books are unique, educational but most importantly fun. Another gold star for Green Door.

Finally Baxter was sent My first car was red. My husband fell in love with this book as soon as he saw it, but sadly the four year old didn't. For whatever reason it didn't tick his boxes so we are passing it on to be loved by someone else, much to my husbands dismay.

If you're looking to update your child's library or want to give a present that will last this Christmas I would highly recommend a look around Green Door Bookshop. Run by the lovely Caroline who has a deep love of books and writing, she has handpicked an absolutely gorgeous collection. If you'd like to know more about her pop over to Dorkymum who currently has a guest post up by the lovely lady herself.

Enjoy!

Disclosure: I was sent the three books shown here for the purposes of this review. All words and opinions are my own. 

Time saving tips for Christmas present wrapping, with Scotch

Ah Christmas present wrapping - isn't it wonderful?

Well actually no, it isn't such a joy when it's the 24th December and you are faced with a small mountain of gifts which have been hidden in various places around the house that even you have forgotten about. You have three excited children that can't be trusted to stay in their rooms and that special bottle of Champagne has just been polished off. Cue Christmas Eve tantrums all round.

I've learned a number of lessons over the years about the best way to make sure I don't end up in this situation (yet again) so have shared my time saving tips for Christmas present wrapping in a little video...

The nifty Scotch Pop-Up Tape Hand-band comes in three colours - pink, silver or blue.

The Scotch Pop-Up Tape range is available at leading supermarkets and stationery stores. The Scotch Pop-Up Tape Hand-band Dispenser has an RRP of £2.49, whilst a pack of Scotch Pop-Up Tape Dispenser Refills, containing three tape pads, has an RRP of £2.69. 

For more info on their range of goods head over to the Scotch website or pop over their Facebook page to take part in their great new mystery gift competition. 

Disclosure: This is a sponsored post. Scotch also supplied me with hand dispensers, scotch tape, scissors and a number of other items for the purposes of this post.

The trouble with Santa Claus. . .

The other night I wrote a post about the Tooth Fairy and the quick thinking web of deceit that I weaved to make sure my suspicious eight year old kept on believing.

One of my favourite bloggers in the universe (arise Ms. Middle-Aged Matron) left a comment saying:
"My 10yo who, despite being a rockchick, still wants to believe in Santa, asked yesterday why, if he's real, he visits some kids and not others. Could your next post give me a strategy for answering that please and tips on where to obtain a bottle of magical reindeer droppings."

Of course it was just an off the cuff, humorous remark -  but it made me remember something that once happened to me that every single Christmas I am reminded of. And now this year is no exception.

So sorry to turn a fun thing serious but I'm afraid I can't help it.

Many moons ago I worked in Mexico with disadvantaged kids who lived in shanty towns on the Mexican \ American border. Their families had mostly traveled up from remote regions of the country to try their luck at jumping the border to a new and brighter life in the land of the free and the brave. Unfortunately their efforts were mostly in vein so the shanty towns grew and grew and the border controls got tougher and tougher. 

One day that December, near the time I was due to return home, I somehow got into a conversation with a little girl who lived in a one room concrete block with 15 other people and no roof. The subject was none other than that of Santa Claus. On hearing that I was from Ireland she asked out of the blue whether Santa came to Ireland too. I answered without thinking. 'Of course he does! He goes to everyone!' She looked at me with big sad eyes and asked 'Why doesn't he come to me then?'. 

People, there are no words. No words. I gave her a hug and cursed my stupidity and told her that maybe he wasn't able to find her house. 

Pathetic I know.

Every year I think of that little girl and my inadequate answers. One of millions around the world who don't get a Christmas.

So no - I don't think I'm very qualified to help to answer that question, and sadly I don't even know where to get reindeer droppings... but as for a strategy? How about suggesting that you both go out and buy a present for someone that he doesn't come to? Now if everyone did that there would be a whole lot more Santa to go around the world.. 

So if any of you get the chance to give a gift to someone in need this year - think of that little girl and please do it for her.

Secrets, Lies and Deception - The Tooth Fairy and Friends

Parenting fail number 378:

Not hiding your darlings little milk teeth properly so that they find one in your bedside draw along with the letter they wrote to their beloved tooth fairy, and come to you with big crocodile tears about to stream down their cheeks as they ask wide-eyed 'Why do you have my tooth and letter in there?'

Caught on the hop my mind raced ahead 'Should I tell her?', 'Do I start blatantly lying now?', 'What happens when she really finds out?', 'Will she tell all her friends in school?', 'Do they still believe', 'What if the Santa question comes next...?'

It was the last one that did it for me and after a pathetic 'Well what do you think?' bat back to her I launched into a full web of deceit.

Fortunately the lies tumbled out of me easily - I had checked under her pillow early on the morning when she had left it there and thought the tooth fairy may have forgotten her, and being a good mother and not wanting her to be disappointed I had taken the tooth and letter and put the money under her pillow myself.

I gave her a sidelong glance to see if she had bought it and was pretty sure I'd gotten away with it.

We then left the tooth, along with her original letter, plus a new letter from me apologising to the tooth fairy for stealing her loot (one of the more surreal letters I've had to write in my time I have to say.)

That night the tooth fairy left her money (double tooth score), a letter telling her to go easy on her mum and a little bottle of fairy dust so that she could sprinkle it under her pillow if she ever needed help believing.

As for me - I had a bottle of my own waiting for me to tackle.

So, crisis averted. This time.

It's made me realise that it's time to up my game though. Eight year olds are a lot smarter than four year olds and what I might have gotten away with a few years ago just won't cut it now.

So I'm applying my 'increase deceit' lesson to the forthcoming Santa season. Bring it on - I'm ready for you now madam!

Lego Duplo - Photo Safari: A Review

We've had some fabulous LEGO DUPLO sets sent out to us this year as part of their LEGO DUPLO Ambassadors 2012 programme, but nothing quite as impressive as this LEGO DUPLO Photo Safari:

The 4 year old couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the size of the box and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised with how much use the contents have had since he opened it a week ago.

It arrived on a sick day for the 6 yer old so I let him get to work on it first...

It's aimed at ages 2 - 5 but he thoroughly enjoyed putting it all together.

The 4 year old LOVES this set. He has brought the animals to playschool, to the bath, to bed and for a 'walk' so far.

There are great little touches in the set such as the movable animals - the giraffe's neck goes up and down, the crocodile can open and close his jaws, as can the hippopotamus (or hee-popotumus as my boy says). The vehicles add to the excitement, and the characters complete the set.

Is there anything better than watching your 4 year old in role play as an asthmatic elephant....? Personally I can't think of one:



A huge thumbs up and 5 star rating from me on this one.

The LEGO DUPLO Photo Safari set retails at approx. £49.99. Toys-R-Us stores nationwide are currently running a promotion where you will receive a super cute plush DUPLO bunny when you spend over £25 on LEGO DUPLO.

Disclosure: I was supplied with the LEGO DUPLO Photo Safari for the purposes of this review. All words and opinions are my own.